Eff You, Lice, and the Little Lice Horse You Rode In On

Dearest Lice, Fuck you very much. Fuck you for jumping onto some kid’s head, and then onto my kid’s head. Fuck you additionally and this time more aggressively and angrily for then jumping onto my head. I will end you. I know that you were sent to earth to remind…

When will Mexicans Learn to Speak ‘Murican?

Dear Mexican: Why do some Mexicans expect us to learn Spanish instead of them learning English?  (NOTE: I did say SOME, not most or all!)  I’m offended whenever I am ASSAULTED by listening to anything in Spanish on phone menus or see it on forms that I have to fill…

The Top 9 Rock Bands Who Went Soft

It’s a tradition as old as pop music itself: A band discovers how much money can be made by crossing over to the pop market and starts crafting softer music accordingly. It has happened to the best of bands. Most of the time, but not always, this occurs when a…

This Just In: Morning News Sucks Up to Mayor!

Scott Goldstein, who’s still new at covering City Hall for The Dallas Morning News, had a piece in the paper a week ago that expressed the longstanding Morning News strategy for new beat reporters, which is pretty much the opposite of the strategy at places where I have worked. He…

Pakpao Has Lost its Way

If you haven’t been in a while, there have been a lot of changes at the Design District Thai restaurant Pakpao. Owners Richard and Tiffanee Ellman first got attention when they asked chef Eddie Thretipthuangsin to leave late last year. They said they wanted to make Pakpao a “national brand,”…

6 Punk Bands We Need to Stop Talking About

We really, really don’t need to discuss Social Distortion. Really.I have an embarrassing tendency to bait people into conversations where I just talk about cool things I am doing. Surprise, right? While it likely stems from being bored with hearing of the mundane achievements of others (babies, crappy jobs, cars),…

American Standard

Dear Mexican: Why do some Mexicans expect us to learn Spanish instead of them learning English?  (NOTE: I did say SOME, not most or all!)  I’m offended whenever I am ASSAULTED by listening to anything in Spanish on phone menus or see it on forms that I have to fill…

Bro Country’s Sexism Is Ruining Country Music

In the past few years, it seems like everyone has been picking on country music. As the genre becomes more and more dominated by good ol’ boys looking for a good time, the term “bro country” has increasingly been used by music critics to pejoratively describe some of the most…

Wear a Bike Helmet; The World Is Full of Dumbasses

Recently, Dallas City Council decided that they didn’t want to force people older than 17 years of age to wear helmets when they’re riding bikes. Which is fine. I don’t believe that there has to be a law saying everything that’s fucking stupid is fucking stupid. If that were the…

How to Get Rid of a Drunk Band Mate

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…