American Standard

Dear Mexican: Why do some Mexicans expect us to learn Spanish instead of them learning English?  (NOTE: I did say SOME, not most or all!)  I’m offended whenever I am ASSAULTED by listening to anything in Spanish on phone menus or see it on forms that I have to fill…

Bro Country’s Sexism Is Ruining Country Music

In the past few years, it seems like everyone has been picking on country music. As the genre becomes more and more dominated by good ol’ boys looking for a good time, the term “bro country” has increasingly been used by music critics to pejoratively describe some of the most…

Wear a Bike Helmet; The World Is Full of Dumbasses

Recently, Dallas City Council decided that they didn’t want to force people older than 17 years of age to wear helmets when they’re riding bikes. Which is fine. I don’t believe that there has to be a law saying everything that’s fucking stupid is fucking stupid. If that were the…

How to Get Rid of a Drunk Band Mate

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…

Pity for the Pale-Skinned

Dear Mexican: If dark-skinned people are so “undesirable,” unwelcome and put down by you gringos, how come you bake in the sun like zopilotes to get dark? Summer is fantasy time for all of you, when you can actually get some color in that white skin of yours. Maybe the…

Should Our Band Reunite if Fans Demand It?

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…

So Long, Rick Finlan — Hero, Friend and Fellow Jerk

The thing I felt when I read of Rick Finlan’s recent death was simple sadness. He was a hero. A jerk. So smart, so funny. A great source for reporters. Friend of mine. A jerk. For the better part of two decades Finlan marched against local government chicanery arm in…

Six Rules for Sharing a Practice Space

Flickr/eyeliamMixing business with pleasure is a dirty game, isn’t it? While necessary, practice spaces exemplify the tension that comes with sharing a small area with a number of personal friends and acquaintances. It’s like living in a tiny house with eight other unbalanced roommates. Between paying rent, keeping the space…

What if Wallace Hall, the Crazy Bad UT Regent, Isn’t? Crazy or Bad?

Whoa. Wait up. Take five. Let’s take another look at that Wallace Hall narrative. He’s the University of Texas regent from Dallas who is supposed to be a crazy, nuts, Tea Party, Rick-Perry-buddy, off-the-wall, Neanderthal education-hater who needs to be impeached, criminally prosecuted and generally expunged. OK. But what if…

It’s Time for Full-On Elf on the Shelf Parenting

I found it in the children’s book section of Barnes & Noble. It was colorful. It had birthday balloons all over it. It was sent to my eyeballs from the devil himself. And now, I share this awful news with you: There is an Elf on the Shelf for birthdays…

Miranda Lambert Sold Herself Out to Bro Country on New Album, Platinum

It’s been a pretty terrible past few years for country music. The rise of “bro country,” music made for and by red-blooded, America-loving, beer-drinking white guys like Luke Bryan and Eric Church, has turned the country music airwaves largely into a cesspool. There is one glaring exception, though: reigning queen…

Peeling Back Layers of Truth in the Bernie Case

Maybe you saw the 2011 movie Bernie by Richard Linklater, starring Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine and Matthew McConaughey, or maybe you remember the story. Bernie Tiede was the real-life funeral home worker who befriended widows of Carthage, an East Texas town of some 7,000 persons about 140 miles southeast of…

A Mexican Businessman Demands a Little Respect

Dear Mexican: I am a Mexican who owns a successful wholesale liquidation business, which happens to be an industry dominated by Jews and Asians and some gringos. So why does almost everyone, including mexicanos, that visits my warehouse think my business or any successful business (for that matter) is always…

Why No One Cares About Your Band

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…