Audio By Carbonatix
Yesterday the Huffington Post reported that 7-Eleven is nationally debuting Slurpee Lite. Slurpee Lite will be made with Splenda instead of real sugar and promises to be “50% fewer calories, 100% awesome taste.”
Give me a summer-fucking break. Seems to me that if you’re inside a 7-Eleven at all, you’ve lost your stupid calorie-counting privileges. But, you really want 50% fewer calories than a regular Slurpee? GET YOURSELF A SMALLER REGULAR DANG SLURPEE.
HuffPo says 7-Eleven is “hoping to target females in their 20s” with this Slurpee. Ohhhh, so you’re making Lady Slurpees! Why didn’t you just say so? We think that’s a great idea. But, why stop there, 7-Eleven? Here’s this list of Other Stuffs 20-Something Chicks Like At Places. We promise that if you stock these things in your 7-Elevens, you’ll definitely bag all them chicks.
20-Something Chicks Like:
When news happens, Dallas Observer is there —
Your support strengthens our coverage.
We’re aiming to raise $30,000 by December 31, so we can continue covering what matters most to you. If the Dallas Observer matters to you, please take action and contribute today, so when news happens, our reporters can be there.
*****
1. Dickhead dudes who treat them like shits. Stock your shelves with a bunch of this guy and the 20-somethings will come a-knockin’. Affliction shirt + booze + head shaped like dick = magnetic.
*****
2. Weighing themselves.
*****
3. Rainbow unicorns.
*****
4. Telling other people what they like.
*****
5. Arcade Fire
