Your Dallas Summer Forecast: Searing Pain

That’s right, Dallas. Apparently Saturday marks the first day of Summer, according to Delkus anyway, which means no further research is necessary. All this can possibly mean is discomfort, sunburn, pain, short fuses, and an inevitable exquisitely painful death.

Does your AC work properly? Do you suspect that, just maybe, it’s not really cooling stuff down enough? Well too late, jackass, prepare to join a waiting list of six hundred thousand other people who just realized this. Then, in September, when the AC company gets round to you, expect to pay approximately forty billion dollars for a chunk of metal they got from China for eight bucks.

Do you plan on spending any time outside? Do you own a huge, protective, air-conditioned suit of armor? No? Well, then I would re-direct your plans to be mainly indoors. If you do have a suit of armor, but the AC in it is broken, then please refer to the previous paragraph.

The only way I’ve found to make everything feel better is translating your bizarre fahrenheit scale, which doesn’t make any sense anyway, to the far more sensible celsius scale, but then imagining the celsius number is actually a fahrenheit number. Let me explain.

Delkus tells us Saturday’s high will be 94. 94 fahrenheit in celsius is 34.4. If you imagine this celsius number is actually a fahrenheit number, then Saturday will in fact be only just above freezing. Keep telling yourself this throughout the day, that actually it’s really cold and you’re just imagining it’s hot enough to fry an egg on your forehead, and you’ll find that you’ll be committed to an asylum relatively quickly, where the air conditioning will probably be pretty good.

Oh, and it’s only going to get worse. It might cool down a bit in October, which is only four months away. Have a good summer, y’all.