Six Songs That Would Make Terrible One Night Stands

Some people just know how to hook you, right? Say you’re browsing an online dating profile and someone catches your eye. Witty one-liners, cute smirks, maybe something cryptic like a tattoo of Josef Stalin eating a hot dog. Their linked Tumblr page shows they have an active interest in occult…

How Bad Press Can Be Overcome

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…

Six People You Should Avoid at All Costs While Forming a Band

Being in a band is hard. Assembling a band is almost impossible. As anyone who’s been through a few bands can tell you, meeting a self-proclaimed “musician” should instill about as much enthusiasm in you as meeting someone who is going to college for a career in law enforcement. You’re…

What’s Wrong With Diversity?

Dear Mexican: I work in one of those progressive companies. Most of the gabachos bosses are actually pretty cool … at least when your back isn’t turned. There are a few a-holes, pero there will always be a few; they’ve got gigs lined up in talk radio. Sabes que ……

Why Beyoncé Could Be a New Leader for Texas Hip-Hop

Last summer, Houston’s one-woman pop monopoly Beyoncé Knowles introduced the world to one of her grittier alter-egos with the unleashing of Third Ward Trill. With chopped-and-screwed rap deliveries, à la promotional single “Bow Down/ I Been On,” fans received a taste of the hip-hop influences to follow on Jay Z’s…

Can a Band Overcome Bad Early Albums?

Are you a musician? Is your group having issues? Ask Fan Landers! Critic Jessica Hopper has played in and managed bands, toured internationally, booked shows, produced records, worked as a publicist and is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking, a how-to for teen ladies. She is here to…

Dallas to HUD: Stuff It!

Right after the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development accused Dallas last month of massive racial segregation and housing fraud, Mayor Mike Rawlings was all for making nice. That lasted all of two weeks. Now he and the city attorney are telling HUD to go screw itself. Last month,…

A History of Terrible Band Names

It’s widely known that band names, which once were mainly nouns and sometimes even gave you a sense of what the artist’s music sounded like, have devolved into an apocalypse of in-jokes, cleverness, punctuation and strange capitalization. It’s almost impossible these days not to look at a festival lineup without…

Six Perfect Songs for Getting People to Leave

It has happened to me a million times. I walk into a bar with the intention of sitting down for a relaxing beverage, and in between the time that I’ve paid and my first sip of beer, I realize that some 22-year-old asshole is having a birthday party. And that…

Grading the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame’s Class of 2014

Artwork by Tatiana Craine A few weeks have passed since we found out who will be officially inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in April. Which means enough time has passed for the migraines and projectile vomiting to have subsided. Here’s a scorecard for the inductees of…

Immigrants Are People Too

Dear Mexican: How do we humanize the illegals in this country? I’ve been in this country illegally for 16 years, y ya chole no? For 16 years I lived my life like anyone else: going to school and working. Eventually I became a teacher for the public schools. It is…