No, Tony, No!

You have four days left to bid on this: a custom-made (ya think?) Tony Romo action figure, prepped and packaged so it resembles the Cowboys QB’s failed goal-line dive after the game-losing snap during Saturday night’s wild-card game. The seller comes from South Carolina, and so far 23 bidders have…

Jerry Jones: “Hey, Hey, Stop This Crap!”

Jerry Jones kinda, sorta blew up on The Ticket this morning. But he’s still in love with Tony Romo, Bill Parcells and Terrell Owens. That’s so cute. Let me start off by apologizing to the herd of elementary school kids and the wide-eyed crossing guard I scared the bezeevers out…

Parcells: Not a Giant (Well, Not That Way)

Bill Parcells says he wasn’t looking for a Giants job. Dang. We were so hopin’. I once had a helping of Irate Tuna at a Japanese restaurant; little too pink and puffy for my tastes. But Irate Tuna’s on the menu today in the New York Daily News, where the…

The Hammer Nailed It

You know who called that Florida blowout last night? The Ticket’s own Greg Williams, at right. Genius. I didn’t see it coming. Neither did you. But Greg Williams did and said so on Monday afternoon’s episode of “The Hardline” on KTCK-AM (1310, The Ticket). Shr’nuff, while local media Ohio State…

The Bitterest Bill is Hard to Swallow

Bill Parcells wants to go back to New York, says sources. Fine. Let him. OK. Fine. Richie’s right. Bill Parcells is an asshole. I’ve defended the guy a little here; got nothing better to do, apparently. Actually, I felt sorry for him more than anything; that NYTimes Mag piece sure…

Let the Healing Begin

Yeah, yeah. Tony Romo muffed the field-goal hold. Whatever. The Seahawks woulda scored again anyway. And Romo still gets to wake up next to Carrie Underwood. You? An empty can of Coors Lite. Just know that it’s going to get worse before it gets better: Romo: Built in a day,…

Pimpin’ Olympians

Olympic weightlifter Cheryl Haworth has been taking meals with ex-Tom Hicks partner Charles Tate. No word if Tate’s actually on the menu. Seems Tom Hicks ain’t the only member of the Fab Four — which is to say, the buyout artists formerly known as Hicks, Muse, Tate & Furst –…

Crushing Climax

How did the refs not call the Lakers’ late-game foul committed against Jason Terry last night? Oh, well. At least he didn’t fumble the ball. Rowdy West Coast fans. Banged-up home team playing without a couple starters but with a former MVP trying to lead his team back to the…

Ruh-Ro!

Unfair Park officially lays claim to this headline. Also, “Ro-No!” (Note to self: Sober up before posting to Unfair Park in the future.) –Robert Wilonsky…

Sleepless in Seattle?

You know why the Cowboys should win? Because Seattle has Pete Hunter. Remember him? No? Lucky you. I know what you’re expecting me to say. Something pessimistic yet clever, like, perhaps: Screw the anointing oil; get out the embalming fluid. Not today, Cowboys fans. The sun rose in the west,…

How You Like Me Now?

We’re so over Tony Romo. Yup. We’re all about Josh Howard now. We’re Jomosexual! At least, that’s what I would say to the Miami Heat these days if I were Avery Johnson or Dirk Nowitzki or anyone remotely associated with the Dallas Mavericks. Proof that the basketball gods feel horrible…

Beyond the Norm

He’s overdramatic. But also underappreciated. Take it from me and Gordon Keith, he’s a big, easy, Polish target. But today — though it’s about a week late — feels like a good day to praise Norm Hitzges. His football picks are above .500, his NFL Draft board is still legendary,…

Out With the Old

Wanna hear the worst idea since Saddam Hussein’s kinfolk got him a tie for Christmas? The city of Dallas is spending $50 million to renovate a lame-duck stadium. Unless you’re a nearsighted, closed-minded, sports-oblivious politico, you know the Cotton Bowl’s present is almost history because its future resides not in…

Get Your Groove On

We’re not sure how old you have to be to post your stats to Sports Groove’s Web site, but these look like likely candidates. Granted, I’m one of the few cyberdorks who somehow exists without a MySpace page. But I do know when I smell something sporty baking in the…

Jerry’s Dirt Pay

Today’s subscription-only Wall Street Journal takes a stab at the new Dallas Cowboys home set to open in 2009. You know the drill: 2.3 million square feet, 100,000 seats when counting standing room, two 2.1-million pound roof panels that open on a rack and pinion drive system so God can…

Knightmare

See, good things do happen to bad people. In the proud tradition of Michael Jackson selling tons of records, Barry Bonds closing in on baseball’s home-run record and even old man Potter being filthy rich in It’s a Wonderful Life, college basketball has a new coaching king. Unfortunately, it’s the…

Seattle Swan Song

It’s time like these we sure as hell do miss the crap outta Barry Freakin’ Switzer, damn it. Be sure to tune in to NBC Saturday night at 7. It might be your last chance to watch Terrell Owens drop passes. It will likely be your last chance to watch…

No Witzki

We head into 2007 knowing this much: Bobby Knight still doesn’t have the record, SMU still doesn’t have legitimacy, the Texas Rangers still don’t have a free-agent star and, most inexplicably, the Mavericks still don’t have respect. Even after last year’s glorious run to an almost-championship. Even after last night’s…

Win One for the Zimmer

You know who we’re sick of watching? Roy Williams, shown here, as usual, chasing a guy with the ball. Look, it can’t all be T.O.’s fault. A big part, most def. If the Cowboys paid Owens for every touchdown (12) and Owens paid the Cowboys for every drop (14), heading…